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| noone will read but i shall type |
| 12.14.05 (1:19 pm) [edit] |
Ok, so i been a lil busy latly and not been blogging at all. sorry.
well, i spend much of my time on livewire (link left) tis a really great site. and i'm almost an oldie there, lol.
not been up to much lately though, been working alot, was working today at the theatre. not been going to lessons, i dont really know why, mainly because i cant be bothered to go, though i have been doing some of the work at home but not much, thats really what i should be doing now, but i dont plan on doing it.
i''m going to see ruth on sunday, will go up to reading and speand a few days there then drive her home for christmas. i gotta do some christmas shopping while i'm up there though. i aint even started, noone will give me any ideas, as to what they would like.
well, thats enough of a blogfor today, i shall try to remember to update this again.
wow, how times have changed, i was once in the top 100 hot topics, now i hardly post and only have about two people who read this.
ManicD
FadingAway
(and probs many other alias's in my time)
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| TUVWX...? |
| 11.14.05 (5:22 pm) [edit] |
Why is whats best the worst thing to do? why is it always the hardest? why is life no longer simple? why does the pain override the pleasure? why in the darkest hours of the night am i consumed by the urge to harm? why does my thoughts override my heart? why am i left alone when i need a friend? why do i never get the one i want? why do i always want the one i can not have? why can i not have the one i want? why does this drive me insane? what can ever happen? why do the people i trust betray me? why do my closest friends destroy me? why do people take what i cannot have? why do they then mock me for wanting it? why do they hide their own passions? why do the ones i trust not trust me? why do i feel betrayed when what was taken was not mine in the first place? why is it that i seem to go round and round in circles over the same thing knowing that i will never get where i want to be? why am i destined to fail and never attain lifes true prize?
Why am i alone?
ManicD
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| That silver calling to me |
| 10.02.05 (8:44 am) [edit] |
well, its been a long week and i been missing my friends alot, especially ruth, i been texting her and she seems to be having fun in reding so thats good, but i still miss her.
now i sit here all alone at home thinking about the past and the things i should have done.
last night a lay in bed wondering why everytime, and i mean everytime without fail that i lay down at night do i crave the feel of a blade on my skin, i always want to hurt myself, i havnt done it in months now but i still want it everytime i lay down, sometimes i dont even know why i want it, i just do. Its a thought that scares me, because i dont want to go back to that, it was part of my life, but i dont want it to be any longer.
meh, well thats my bit for today, c ya soon
FA
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| Gone |
| 09.25.05 (2:07 pm) [edit] |
well, thats it, i been feeling pretty low lately with the upcoming leaving of ruth(my best friend, and girl i'm kinda in love with) well, she left today, and now i dont know what the hell to say or do, i feel so depressed, i know i'm gonna see her soon, christmas at the latest but it still hurts her not being there, shes been such a good friend for a while now, and sometimes i dont know what i would have done without her. i feel like crying myself at the moment, but i know i wont, because something inside me wont let me.
Meh, dam i'm gonna miss her.
FA
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| my reply |
| 08.31.05 (3:17 pm) [edit] |
only one thing to post tonight and thats a reply i made on LIVEWIRE the teen support forum i go to.
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I feel like that aswell sometimes, lately i have been very anti social, i used to always be out the house, now i hardly drag myslef out for work. i seem to keep my msn as appear offline and i dont know why, i see my friends online and just dont feel like talking to them even though i do really want to, its been awhile since i have seen them.
I feel your pain *hugs*
ManicD
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This is the site link http://www.golivewire.com/for...
FA
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| 2nd friend, so close. |
| 08.28.05 (5:09 pm) [edit] |
well here goes another message
This time to my best friend ruth
ruth - what a friend you have been, many good times were had with you, you were always there for me and helped me take my mind off many things in my life. You may have guessed that i have always liked you as more than a friend but have always been ok with us not taking things ne further because you were not interested. Its true that i wish things could have gone further but the fact that it didnt was just something i knew i had to deal with.In the time i knew you you changed so much, you knew it aswell i me seeing it, when i met you most people thought you was a guy, since then you have shown a much more girly side, and belive it or not its really sweet. show that side a little more often.
My last words for you for your future, dont take too much on at once, only what you can handle, though you know this sometime i thought you still took on too much. Take pride in every little thing you do, if you have pride in what you do then you will always do it to the best you can and will always find satisfaction in doing it. Find a direction an aim for your life, dont do it too soon but dont leave it too late to do, find your direction and go for it, push, work hard and anything can be yours. your an intelligent beautiful girl, inside and out, stay strong for me. Love You Always, Ash x x x
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| To my world |
| 08.22.05 (9:58 am) [edit] |
Well, lately i been thinking, what would happen if i was to die tomorrow, some freak car accident etc. now i've written messages like this before and now i been doing it again.
A personal message to all the people i have ever loved or card about, messages to tell them everything i couldnt tell them before. so here they are.
Sarah - My thoughts to you lie with the complicated tangle of friendship and love that we have experienced. let it be known that i still love you as much as i ever did, you are and always have been something very special to me. Through our time we have been friends, lovers and finally aquaintances, I dont blame you for us falling apart from each other, sometimes i wish we haddn't fallen so far apart but that was due to other intervening. Recently i felt like i only just know you when once you would talk to me for hours on end. I have many regrets about what happened between us, regrets of not properly asking you out when i had the chance, regrets of not telling ruth no when she asked whether she coud go further, regrets that i went on that holiday where chris interfered and ruined our friendship, when you started to ignore me i felt truely alone and realised that our friendship was gone. moving on to the future. I dont know what is going to happen between you and robin in the next few weeks, months and possibly years. The love you feel while maybe being as true as love can be may last or it may fade, time will show you the way forward in this situation. follow your heart even if it hurts, even if it means accepting hes gone and moving on. i know that you will grow and learn in life, you will learn to accept things as they are. My advice to you for the future, is to continue on your path in life, find your goals and go for them. if you want something go and take it, nothing is out of your reach if you push hard enough, the most direct route is not always the best route. Learn you independance, dont always follow what others tell you, make your own choices, and becopme your own person, dont let others tell you who you are, only you know that. Live. Learn. Push. Grow. And you will always make me proud. Love you always, Ash
More to come when i have the time
FA
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| going away |
| 08.08.05 (1:51 pm) [edit] |
Wow, my blog has finally made it big time, i'm now linked in AmyLeeZealots blog!!! Whoooo
neway, bk to life. well been thinking about ruth alot lately, i know shes dating someone else and that shes going away to do a gap year course in septmeber but i still cant help the way i feel about her. for a long time i have liked her, and sometimes i wish i had taken the oppertunity to go out with her when it was avalible, the only thing that stopped me was the fact i was dating someone else at that time, even though i still had feelings for ruth.
well i got work tomoz and its getting late so i better go, nite peoples
P.S. i'm missing my amanda again, where is she gone? shes never onloine when i am. Meh
FA
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| because i can |
| 08.07.05 (9:36 am) [edit] |
well, here i am again typing because i can.
meh, well i been feeling a lil down latly but i dont know why. just had a lack of motivation to do anything. my rents are going away on friday so i get the house to myself for two weeks, yay!!! meh. thats all for the mo, dont know what else to say.
FA
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| still alive |
| 08.03.05 (3:15 pm) [edit] |
well, nothing to post, just letting neone sad enough to check my blog that i'm still alive.
FA
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| to long |
| 07.31.05 (2:07 pm) [edit] |
well, woke up at 12pm today, i did go to bed late last night. my brother came home bout half hour after that, he lives far away and came home because it was my b'day yesterday. so it was nice seeing him, then i went to work at 3pm and worked till 11:15ish stayed for a drink after work and then came home.
its been ages since i last spoke to amanda, been missing it, i love her soo much and even though i dont know what i can do/say to make up for hurting her i cant live without her. its her birthday on friday aswell 8587 i'll always remember that number and always remember her birthday.
Well feeling a lil down tonight, and now i'm off to bed, mabye i''ll put a film on.
nite
FA
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| H**** B******* T* M* |
| 07.30.05 (12:47 pm) [edit] |
Happy birthday to me
happy birthday to me
happy birthday to meeee
happy birthday to.......meh, i give up.
well twas my birthday today, i'm 18 at last, but somehow i wish it could have been different. all of my mates are elsewhere doing other things and i was just left to be me. sure i had family over and that was great but somehow i thought this is my 18th i should be out getting very drunk and having a laugh with my mates. i wish i could drive. then i would be able to go join my mates but i cant because my boss didnt pay me for work i did for 3 months, so i never had the money to retake the test. meh, i hate being me.
post again soon
FA
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| FA |
| 07.27.05 (2:26 pm) [edit] |
I never seem to be able to say the right thing, recently i have not been my best with my dog dying which upset me more than most know, and also everything that happened with ruth, no one realises how much i care for her and how much helping her build a sucessful relationship with someone else hurts me.
Today i feel like dissappearing, disappearing from everyone, would anyone notice? would anyone care?
FA
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| twice |
| 07.26.05 (12:58 pm) [edit] |
well i just had an argument with amanda about my last post, when i said i had no shoulder to cry on.
well, all i can say is that although i love you very much amanda and i know i can always talk to you about anything i choose, what i ment was that i have nobody actually with me that i can turn to.
talking about things online and talking to a real person is soo much different.
i'm now crying for the second time this week, after not crying for months and months.
ManicD
FadingAway
Ash
Gone.
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| Sleeping now forever |
| 07.24.05 (1:57 pm) [edit] |
well, i aint posted in a couple of day, i been feeling really down and not really wanted to speak about why. on friday at 10:15am my dog was put to sleep. nine and a half years of my life is now gone, and i'm upset to say the least, i have hiden all my emotions from anyone i know, my mother could do without the extra as she is upset enough and anyone else i know would just laugh at me. really i dont have anyone whos shoulder i could cry on. says alot about my friendship situation really, i have no shouldr to cry on when somthing like that happens. i hate being me.
ManicD
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| tired and without |
| 07.17.05 (1:03 pm) [edit] |
dont really know what to put for today, only that i been working since 9am its now 12pm. i'm tired and i'm missing my amanda, i aint spoken to her in days :(.
that is all
ManicD
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| tell her my feelings? |
| 07.15.05 (2:51 pm) [edit] |
i wish i could, i wish i had the guts, i wish i didnt know that the answer would be no.
Is it better to have the feelings out in the open even if she is gonna say no, or is it less of a strain on her relationship and our friendship if i just keep quite.
Meh, mabye i should just get blind drunk and tell her. then have an excuse, ahhhhh the cowards way out for me.
currently i wish the ground would just swallow me up whole, i wish that everything could and would end. i have soo many feelings pent up inside of me but i cant get them out thorugh writing, and i have noone that i can talk to about it. to an extent i normally talk to ruth about the things that worry me but this time i cant. i never tell anyone the real and whole me, i dont know why but i cant ever trust anyone i know with my feelings. somehow no matter how much i want to i can never get the words out. i have been at the point that i have opened my mouth but no sound came out before, i physically cant do it. the last person that i started to talk to was sarah and that was soo long ago.(over a year)
currently i want to curl up in a ball and just have someone who cares about me hold me. recently i have been feeling like this alot, i just want someone to hold me, someone to tell me everything will work out. but that seems like something i will never get. i'm destined to be alone.
ManicD
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| Z day |
| 07.13.05 (2:10 pm) [edit] |
well, i havent been updateing much recently, i been very busy working for bernie.
meh, cant be bothered to go into recent events, lets just say that ruth and maddie are now going out together, danny(maddies very recent ex) had a large rant at ruth this evening. maddie is upset that he had a go at her, and thinks that ruth dont like her because she is the cause of danny having a go at ruth.
well all evening i had been with ruth, and alot of what she talked about was her and maddie, i just spent the whole time talking to her thinking in my head, she has no idea how much it hurts me that she is with someone else, i really dont think that ruth knows that i like her.
some points in our convo i spent with my head in my lap wanting to cry. recently i have been getting more and more down about it, i know that i stand no chance at ever going out with ruth, i dont think she would ever see me as anything else but a friend but i cant help how i feel. how i feel is also a puzzeling one, most of the time i feel like we are closer than friends but alot of the time i feel like we are just really good friends.
latly i feel like i'm a third wheel wherever i go. i look around and wonder how many real friends i still have. so much has happened, i have spent two years in college and its true what they say, you really do grow up in those years, i'm so different from the person i used to be. and whether that is for good or for bad i dont know. alot of chages in me, i wish had never happened, and alot i'm glad did. i have alot of regrets and alot of happy memorys. but unfortunatly from my veiw of life the regrets stick out more than the good times. and sometimes when i look at the past two years, regret is all i see.
not sure what else to put.
ManicD
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| my last words to my friends |
| 07.04.05 (1:34 pm) [edit] |
Well not much has hapened today. went up to a campsite to remove a Sound system that was there load that into a lorry and unload it at the outher end. then went back to phoenix.
Been talking to ruth a fair bit about maddie.
Now maddie is a FUCKING HOT, straight 16 year old who has just ended a relationship with a 14 year old she was dating.
she went to ruth as someone to talk to when she was confused about her feeling but now she has dumped him, her and ruth seem to be getting amazingly close. the thing is as far as anyone knows maddie is straight, so ruth doesnt know what to do, she is very confused at whether to mae a move on maddie or not, maddie is not giving any signs at all no matter how many hints are placed in front of her.
the thing is its kinda painfull to watch because i care alot about ruth and have done for a while,i was always jelous of beckie while she was with ruth and beckie knew it. the thing is i'm not totally sure on how i feel about ruth, i care about her alot but it boarders so much on the line between close mates and in love. i dont know how i feel. even if i do love ruth i dont think she has any interest in me, and i'm not even sure that she totally knows that i even like her still, even though i have dropped excessive hints. she has just not reacted.
lol, now i think about it i am just as confussed as ruth, neither of us are getting green or red lights as to whether to go any further. seems we are both stuck on amber.
Further matters involve something i have been writing latley, currently its on paper and taken with me everywhere, to stop anyone reading it. its basically the theory of if i died tomorrow what would i like to say to people, most peoplelive their lives not saying half the stuff they want to to the people they care about, i would just like to know that if i died tomorrow, someone would find that and people would know everything i always wished i had said to them. i may post it on here sometime if i every get round to typing it up.
meh, missing my amanda lately. not spoken to her in days. love ya still.
Comment
Fadingaway
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| another day |
| 06.25.05 (4:22 pm) [edit] |
hmmm...not realy sure what to put today. fairly uneventful day really, woke up, went to work. had fairly shitty day at work. came home, fell asleep for a while. woke up came online.
have been chatting to amanda for a while. listerning to music, and reading other peoples blogs.
now, updating this, feeling very hot even though i'm not wearing anything, this dam weather!!! feeling horney, but will sort that in a min, lol.
dunno what else to say
love you amanda
Ash
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| You Owe Me Nothing In Return |
| 06.24.05 (2:37 pm) [edit] |
i wish i knew what to write, i wish i knew how i was feeling. i'm kinda in a very mixed up mood, in some ways i'm ok but in others i'm depressed. i seem to have had a lot of time to think lately and have been thinking about alot.
is it wrong to love more than one person at once? latly i been concidering feelings now i still have strong feelings for sarah somehow i cant see that ever going away, i still wish with all my heart that i hadnt hestiated with her, because somehow we actually had something together. she will always have a place in my heart. next we cometo ruth, now with her i'm so confused with my feelings for her, i've liked her for a long time, but my feelings so closely border love and just a simple strong friendship. i'm never sure how i feel about her or in that case how she would feel about me, and whether anything couls ever happen, i would most likely be content if we just stayed friends like this forever, but i'm also not sure if there is something more to be had from entering into a relationship. i think that if we ever did and for any reason it ended i think we would be able to stay good friends, and that would be great. we are both the type of person who is fine with staying friends after a relationship.
now, i sit here thinking bout something i read recently, something that means that a close friend of mine lied to me. lied to me when she had no reason to, nothing to gain from doing so and nothing to lose by not. something that made no difference to how i think of her. i try to wonder why she did lie, but i cant see it. somehow i wonder if she has done so before but just never told me the truth. i have suspected this before but put it down to me being an exteramly paranoid person. i trust this person with every part of me, shes always the one i turn to if i need to talk to someone, even if i dont directly say that i need to talk to her, and sometime shes the one i turn to when i just need to feel like someone cares about me. shes always been there. i love her in more ways than are possible yet can not have her, mby oneday though.
I dont want any explination from her, she never needs to explain herself to me, i love her more than that, a love that is unconditional to whatever has happened. and it not like i'm never going to trust her again, because i will alwasy trust her, it comes with love, i will just be more paraniod that i normally am, something that nothing can change. somehow parnoia pays off, so much that never seemed right but i belived beause i didnt want to belive that lies would ever be need between us now comes under suspecion in my mind.
the song says it better but if you havent got it then here are the lyrics
ALANIS MORISSETTE LYRICS
"You Owe Me Nothing In Return"
I'll give you countless amounts of outright acceptance if you want it
I will give you encouragement to choose the path that you want if you need it
You can speak of anger and doubts your fears and freak outs and I'll hold it
You can share your so-called shame filled accounts of times in your life and I won't judge it
(and there are no strings attached to it)
You owe me nothing for giving the love that I give
You owe me nothing for caring the way that I have
I give you thanks for receiving it's my privilege
And you owe me nothing in return
You can ask for space for yourself and only yourself and I'll grant it
You can ask for freedom as well or time to travel and you'll have it
You can ask to live by yourself or love someone else and I'll support it
You can ask for anything you want anything at all and I'll understand it
(and there are no strings attached to it)
You owe me nothing for giving the love that I give
You owe me nothing for caring the way that I have
I give you thanks for receiving it's my privilege
And you owe me nothing in return
I bet you're wondering when the next payback shoe will eventually drop
I bet you're wondering when my conditional police will force you to cough up
I bet wonder how far you have now danced you way back into debt
This is the only kind of love as I understand it that there really is
You can express your deepest of truths even if it means I'll lose you and I'll hear it
You can fall into the abyss on your way to your bliss I'll empathize with
You can say that you have to skip town to chase your passion I'll hear it
You can even hit rock bottom have a mid-life crisis and I'll hold it
(and there are no strings attached)
You owe me nothing for giving the love that I give
You owe me nothing for caring the way that I have
I give you thanks for receiving it's my privilege
And you owe me nothing in return
i will always be here for you, dont ever hesitate to ask me for anything i can possible give you, i love you with no hesitation and always will. all i want is to let you know that there is never any reason for you to not tell me the truth. i love you.
Fadingaway
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| You reduce me to cosmic tears |
| 06.22.05 (2:34 pm) [edit] |
not had a very good day today, been so ired and been feeling reallly down, had an argument with my dad this morn and once again he threatened to kick me out of home. i seem to be trying my hardest to do what they ask but i just cant seem to do good enough.
had rehersals for a show today, the show is a show by mentally handicaped people. when they come to our theatre and stand on stage with the lights and sound for there performances, they are all so happy and they love it so much. everyone who works there gets so much satisfaction out of watching them have a good time. well thats kept my mind off my home troubles for most of the day. working in the theatre is the best thing for me, i find it soo relaxing, i dont know if its the people or the job or both, but when i'm in that theatre nothing else matters, every other fear and hurt evaporates and i'm a different person. i dont know if i could ever leave that place.
well, i came home at about 7 ish, all i did was curl up on my bed and lay there for hours, i was hungry but didnt have the motivation to move, i've wanted to cut so badly, but i havent. i just feel like i need somthing to remove the numbness, wish i could make all life just go away, i'm soo close to hurting myself again, i hardly know where i am anymore, i want to but again i dont want to.
hmmmm...blog again another time
Amanda i love you
Ash
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| Days just go by |
| 06.14.05 (4:01 pm) [edit] |
well, news of the week being that MJ got found not guilty.
my veiws, i dont know if he did do it or not, there is so much bullshit being told on both sides of the court. i dont think he did molest the boy he was being charged for, but others i'm not so sure about.
i do truely belive that he has neva grown up. and that he does concider children to be his friends, but what happens behind closed doors is another matter.
i do belive that if it was any other man in the world he would not have got such a trial and the jury would not have heard the evidence and listened as much, but i belive the MJ got a fair trial. and i dont belive that the acusation was correct in this instance.
other things to talk about....hmmmmm...websites....#
everyone should visit and join LiveWire www.golivewire.com.
http://www.mozilla.org/products/firefox/" title="http://www.mozilla.org/products/firefox/" target="_blank"http://www.mozilla.org/produc...
much betta than internet explorer.
LATEST NEWS: I HAVE JUST KIDNAPPED CRIMSONBLOOD
RANSOM DEMAND IS 10,000,000 TBUCKS
FadingAway
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| Yet another day |
| 06.14.05 (11:23 am) [edit] |
yet another day, not done much not much has happened so i'm going to blog about nothing and i'm going to blog long and well about it.
well, got up today, at about 11:30am after going to bed at 3am. didnt do much. sat on my computer going through the lessons and tutorials of Macromedia flash mx, so that then i can design a flash presentation for my bros website.
now, i'm still doing the lessons, and chatting to amanda crimsonblood.tblog.com and listening to music.
ManicD
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| update |
| 06.13.05 (11:40 am) [edit] |
update...dunno what to say.. not much has been happening in life lately, i really need to go and do more but i can never be bothered. hmmmm. mby tomoz
o well nite
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